Spiderman 3: the Don't Believe the Hype review

This is the premier of our “Don’t Believe the Hype” review.

This style of review is reserved for movies we’ve previously avoided because the hype was either too big, too bad, or too…anything really.

Spiderman 3 (2007)
Director and co-writer: Sam Raimi

Emily:
- credits: hmm, a recap of the last two movies. does sam raimi think we’re all addle brained? maybe we didn’t watch the first two movies.
-...computer animated goo, dancing across the screen…classy
- cheerful-voice-over intro, courtesy of a dopey toby mcguire… people are throwing spitballs in a university level science class. …right…

-the beginnings of sandman, he’s being chased into a fenced area by the police
-“warning! particle physiscs? i see. an obscure non-descript science fair project with very irresponsible scientists who talk like truckers (except for that blonde bombshell over there) instead of investigating the criminal’s disappearance into the particle thingamajiggy, the cops scratch their heads and walk away -absolutely no explanation of what kind of experiment was going on

-spidey vs the goblin jr: a story that sam just had to tell!…well then… partial amnesia due to death match mishap… and…harry doesn’t remember that he hates peter, they’re all pals again! (am i watching a soap opera?) at least they’ve stopped flogging the dead horse, but i’m sure rookvless will show up again at the most inopportune moment

-spiderman, king of the quick change!!
-the sandman special effects are very cool (first compliment!)

-uncle ben’s death scene in spiderman one a freekin’ hallucination? all of the sudden, it was really some other guy all along that killed him… because… because… sam raimi says so, that’s why
-“mary jane, let’s not get along because it’s more dramatic that way.”

-it’s good thing all these people are fighting in cheesy cg environments, or i might actually be afraid for someone’s life! (someone shoot me)

-oh..goody! here’s harry the gobin again. hm, apparently all super villains come equipped with their own wind machines . whistling arm blades? really? (just shoot me, just a little)

-finanlly, venom! hee hee, on to some good stu- what the? snappy prancing? uh huhn… evidently an evil alien symbiote will turn you into a swanky-walking-emo-hair-flipping-business-savvy-dancing-piano-man! seriously here, i’m double checking the box. did we accidentally rent west side story meets days of our lives? what is going on here?

-ok, here’s some action, mary jane is in a big black web, and here’s spidey, come to save the day! some may consider the huge american flag waving behind him to be a bit over the top. perrhaps those people were not watching the first two hours of this movie

-well that’s that then… i’m afraid that i’m with eddie brock on this one, “please god, kill peter parker.”

Cale:
Yeah, somebody told Sam Raimi he could do another Spiderman. Usually I don’t like it when they switch directors part-way through a series, but Spidey fans will tell you this one could do for a change. But hey, this one’s got a fast web-action re-cap for all the 6 year-olds who can’t remember anything that far back.
Man, spidey’s feelin’ old! He’s gonna ask M.J. to marry him, and the Sandman’s a criminal and a bad father, BORING!
Just in time, a fight with Harry (GreenGoblin Jr.). Oh look! Harry’s mortal! Who’d a thought? He’s dead!! And Sandman’s SAND, man! He’s made of sand from the top-secret sand-maker! Oh, Harry only hit his head, he’s fine! And he’s got amnesia too, this is great writing Sam! I don’t know, somehow a comic book movie turned into the O.C..
You know? I mean, M.J.’s got PMS, but whatever happened to the (silent) meteorite, and the black goo from it that jumped on the back of Peter Parker’s bike 15 minutes ago?
Okay, hold on! I just found out Eddie Brock, the muscle-head soon to be Venom, is played by Eric Foreman from “That 70’s Show.” It just doesn’t compute! Foreman looks like he’d be a better Peter Parker than Tobey McGuire, but Venom? Noway!
Sam Raimi should be writing the baby programming that’s on weekday mornings. I mean, the dialogue is such a waste of time, I find myself waiting for the commercial break! Um, is this a kids movie? Am I watching Spy-Kids(no offense to Spy-Kids!)?
Oh look! Both M.J. and Peter are being replaced in their lives! Things look conveniently dour, and all at the same time! AND WHAT ABOUT THE FREAKIN’ BLACK GOO??!!! Whole lotta nothing!!! I wrote way too much and it’s not even halfway through the movie!
Wow, Peter Parker’s stupid! And I can’t get over how fake Spiderman looks, is this 2007?! It must be, Spidey went Emo!
I had no idea this would be so fun! It’s SO bad I wanna watch it drunk with all my friends! I’m mad though, how come Spiderman’s fist doesn’t go through Harry’s face when he punches him? What about super-human strength?! I can’t write anymore, it gets worse. I’m laughing though, not crying. I would be if I was any bigger of a Spidey-fan!
Actually, moments of this are right up there with Batman & Robin for stupidity, and no Arnie! Apparently, the venom symbiote allows you to play the piano like a pro. Like, why even do the venom storyline if you want to keep it kindergarten safe and not go into the dark, psychological questions the comic book, and even the cartoon series, tried to tackle.

If you cut Goblin Jr. from the script, you’ve got room for Carnage, and he was the whole point of the Venom storyline to begin with. I mean, Harry’s been in all three movies, and for what? James Franco’s not that hot! And why Sandman? So, the man who killed Peter’s Uncle Ben in the first movie didn’t really kill him, the Sandman did, but it was an accident and he’s SORRY??!
Will this have a moral at the end like 80’s He-Man cartoons?
I literally have beef with every line of this movie. It is a work of art how bad it really is.